Tomorrow is Storm's birthday. He would have been 41. My seventh wedding anniversary was Thursday. I use to take time off every year from the 26th of December until the last possible day I could get off. Storm and I would spend that time together, renewing our relationship, playing and making love and wasting money and time. I called it my "Stormcation," and we both looked forward to it every year.
This week has been a challenge. I know that the Father has blessed me from the very first day that Storm made the choice to leave me alone. His blessings are so obvious and so strong, I walk around this world constantly waiting for the next minor miracle, and constantly looking for the next blessing that Yahweh is going to bring me. I know that my heart is healing, and that my grief is improving, and I see that through His love, Adonai is not only refining me in the fire, he is sending me comfort, healing, and wisdom to survive the effects of this experience.
Strangely enough, even Storm's lack of company at Christmas made me sad. I haven't celebrated Christmas in 15 years, and that's exactly why. Storm didn't celebrate it either, long before he ever met me. He didn't keep any of the pagan days, because of the hypocrisy they represented, and not so much anything to do with religion. We would hole up together, and ignore the entire world. We were like anti-Christmas refugees huddled together in our tinsel free home waiting for the carols to stop, please STOP. This was the first year in nine years that I sat at home alone. I suppose I'll get used to it again.
In a few hours, I'm going to get in my car and spend two days at a
beach house with only some canine company. I don't know what this is
going to accomplish, except to give me an opportunity to cry by myself
and to get some fresh air and exercise for both me and Bear.
The mercy here for me is that all of our important days all pretty much happen in the same four-month span. Our real anniversary in November, our civil anniversary in December, his birthday in January, and his death date in February. That leaves two thirds of the year that I don't have to worry about. Not sure if my sarcasm is obvious enough, but I look forward to the day when I realize that I've gotten through to February and I don't feel like going back to bed that day.
I'm not sure there's a point to this particular blog post. I've had a hard time concentrating my thoughts this week, and have found myself coming under spiritual attack both physically and emotionally. The positive to this is that I have spent a great deal of time in prayer, and I have had no choice but to fall back on to Yahweh and let him do my thinking for me. The negative is that I'm not very successful at life, generally speaking. The added complication of the spiritual attack and the emotional exhaustion are insuring my failure at life.
On the subject of love: my good friend Jules said something about me finding another someday. Lately, several people have mentioned that. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be interested in a serious non-platonic relationship with any man, ever again. Paul tells us in Scripture that if one is not married, and can control themselves, then they should stay unmarried. I see the benefits of single life, though I often miss married life.
See, the thing is, I don't think I make a very good wife. Looking at the matter objectively, I was married and divorced twice before meeting Storm. I can't cook, I have virtually no domestic skills of any kind except baking. I tried to be the best possible wife that I could be for Storm. He asked me once to tell him how I viewed my ideal of the perfect wife. Together, we read Proverbs 31. When I was done reading, he looked at me in all seriousness and said, "My Rose, you are already all of these things." Apparently not because he's dead, and I helped him get there.
All that I ever wanted to be was an amazing wife for Storm. I wanted his life to be so good, and I wanted to give him everything. I failed.
On the subject of love, I think I'm just fine by myself, thanks. If my God decides to change that, I'll reevaluate.
I hope this fog of grief and pain lets up next week. I hate the way this feels. I want to recover from this, I want my heart to heal, I want to move forward into a new life instead of being weighted down by the old one. Yeshua said, "let the dead bury the dead." That's what I want to do.
I think what I would like to gain from this weekend is a little bit of closure, and a little more perspective. I want to be healing, and I want to say goodbye. I want to turn my back on this. I want to turn the page on this chapter in my book, and start on something new. I hope Yahweh does a great work in me. I would like to leave my anger and a huge portion of guilt and a whole lot of pain sitting there on that beach. I like to think about it getting washed out with the tide. Maybe I'll build a sandcastle, name it anger guilt pain and grief, and then stand there until the ocean drags it out. Probably, it's going to be entirely too cold for that. It is Oregon, after all. Most likely, I'm going to sit in the window and watch the waves while I drink tea. :-)
Thank you to anybody who actually reads these. May Yahweh bless you, and may we all find shalom.
