Shaken
My husband’s suicide shook my entire life. It changed the way I view myself, other people, and the world around me. It changed the color of the sky. It launched my life into a sort of chaos and insanity that I never could have imagined enduring. My home is in chaos, my career is in chaos, and my emotions are in chaos. Everything in my life has been challenged.
There is one thing that has remained unshaken: my faith. Understand that I do not boast of my own strength. It is not because I am faithful that my faith was unshaken, it is because the Messiah is faithful to keep his word. He said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” He said everyone who hears his words and acts on them will be as if their house is built upon the rock. Surely, he has kept that blessed promise.
In the very first moments after Storm’s suicide, I was praying. I was crying out, and Yahweh was sending help, he was sending love, and he was sending hope. That first weekend was filled with prayer and crying and so much pain, and yet I never felt like Yahweh had ever been closer to me. He sent my daughter and her family to help us, and he sent those who love us with food and love.
It sounds insane, but I have never seen more blessings in my life than I have in the last five months. Yahweh has opened his hand, and the blessings have poured into my life. So many of the ones that come to mind, as always, are physical blessings, but the spiritual blessings have been tenfold, one hundred fold in my heart. I have found myself surrounded by people that not only care, but want to help. I am enfolded into the arms of a good congregation, that will help me in all ways.
You see, I was thinking about loneliness. The nice folks I sometimes have the privilege of sharing my pain with often speak of their crushing loneliness, and how isolated they feel. I have tried imagining that. One of my many, many blessings, I discover over and over again, is my family. They have once again wrapped themselves around me, and they are protecting me. I have only ever actually lived alone for a very short time in my life, so the concept of loneliness seems strange to me.
The other night, I was imagining what if Elizabeth was not here. What if I couldn’t just walk up the stairs, or send a text if I was lonely, and say, “How about a burger?” How about if I didn’t have anyone to text? My life would be greatly, greatly diminished, and my loneliness would be acute, I’m certain. But I would know that, regardless, I would never be alone.
I first prayed the sinner’s prayer when I was a very young girl. Yahweh has ever been with me, and I am never truly alone. That one fact has kept me strong in the face of all that I face.
Every time someone tells me that I am strong, they are saying that Yahweh is strong in me. They are seeing him, and the blessings that he has opened into my life.
Someday, we will all face him. I pray that he leads me down the path of the good and faithful servant, because I long to look into his face and kneel at his feet in gratitude and love.
Psalm 31:3
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Shalom.
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