Yesterday, February 13th, was the first anniversary of Storm's suicide. It wasn't a great day.
As I sit here, contemplating this past year, I keep comparing where I am with where I was, and I think I should rejoice; instead I want to cry.
Immediately after Storm's suicide, I had a hard time getting out of bed. It felt too hard. There wasn't any reason. Looking after my husband and working filled my entire world, and I had neither of those things. Yet, the Bible tells me to rejoice in my hardships, and I so badly want to obey The Word.
I began to get out of bed in the morning and stand in the kitchen window and pray, "This is the day that you have made, Yahweh, please help me to rejoice and be glad in it." Every day, I somehow managed to get out of bed and the Father in his glorious wisdom and grace has given me a reason to smile every single day.
Yesterday I cried. I cried for hours. I cried so much my throat hurts, and my head aches, and I'm completely exhausted. Eventually my children and grandchildren filled my world with laughter and sound until there wasn't any more room for tears. Praise Yahweh. The day improved. Once again, I could rejoice and be glad.
As I sit here this morning my body aches, and yet I am glad for the tears. I'm not sorry that I cried half the day, because my sore throat will heal, and my stuffy head will clear. I don't ever think my broken heart will be unbroken. I think I'm just going to have to learn to live in this brokenhearted state.
I take two things away.
Yahweh is using this horrible experience to mold me into a better person. Amy Grant has a song where she says, "all I ever have to be is what You made me." Whoever I was that fateful night, I am a different person now. I think I am smarter, more compassionate, and less judgey. I see the work the Father is doing and I realize how much it has changed me. I want to give myself over to it and to Him. I am content to be alone on this journey of life, as no other man could fill this Storm-shaped hole inside of me, so I won't even seek to do so. I am content in my solitude. I will be comfortable to be alone and let Yah do the work he sees fit in me.
The second thing has to do with Storm. A neighbor once told us that we spoke to one another as if we were in a movie. She said that because we were always saying good things about one another, and to one another. I would feel strange among my friends who complained about their husbands while I was saying how mine had done the dishes, washed the dogs, and we would be barbecuing that night. It seemed that whenever we spoke to one another, or about one another, all that came out was love and joy. Even after eight years we were so much in love that anyone who met us even when we were apart knew within ten minutes that we were married to one another because it was the first thing on one another's lips all the time.
This past year I've been very angry. Mostly, I try to keep that anger to myself. Sometimes, it has leaked out. Sometimes, it has gushed out. Yet as my heart gained distance from that painful event, and my understanding has grown about depression and suicide, I find that my anger has diminished, and my compassion has grown.
Whatever Storm's reasons for turning a fight into a funeral, the very reason I feel so bitterly betrayed is because we were so incredibly happy together. As my anger has twisted up inside of me I have found myself more commonly remembering the few unhappy times we had, and I have found myself once again feeling the bitterness and frustration I felt in those moments. I have caught myself speaking only those things that made me unhappy, and that is unfair, and wrong.
This year, I resolve to return to speaking of my husband in complementary ways. I resolve to do that not only in my outward speech but in my inward parts. I resolve to talk about all the ways that he was amazing, and all of the ways that he made my life better, and that he made me a better person. Most importantly, I intend to speak often of his love for me, because it was so big and because it is a huge part of who I am today.
Storm Treasure was the most unique and amazing human being I've ever known, and my world is diminished without him. I intend to start living my life so that it will reflect my Father's face and be a credit to Him and to the love he gave me in Storm.
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