14 Months

The Torah warns us not to marry an unbeliever, and even the Brit Hadasha,  the New Testament
warns us not to become unequally yoked.

At the time that I met Storm, I had decided to turn my back on men and specifically relationships with men. I don't blame the men so much. In all of my failed relationships in my life, I have no choice but to admit that I am the common denominator. That being the case, I had decided to remove myself from the equation.

Of course, that's when I met Storm. I'm certain I would've stayed far away from him if I hadn't thought I was immune to him. Silly me. I had made the decision to turn away from men in large part because of my own confusion about the Bible and the way men behave. Whatever I was looking for, I wasn't finding it in the men around me. Storm changed that. When I met him he was a theist of sorts but not a believer in the Bible. However, in him were the principles of Torah, and a love for me that filled in a lot of the rest.

There were many ways that he was already avoiding paganism and complying with Torah. He didn't keep most of the holy days, or holidays, that other people kept. Having discovered the hypocrisy in Christmas and Easter and all the rest he had decided to decline to participate. When I told him that the Biblical holy days were important to me and he saw the sincerity from which I approached them, he did his best to help me live them. By helping me live them he really had no choice but to obey them.   He took to the Sabbath like a duck to water. Right away he appreciated the idea of resting for an entire day and spending that time with his wife.

There were ways he kept Torah instinctively. He never lied, he accepted responsibility for his own actions, and he understood that a man had to be the leader of the home.   He loved me not as he loved himself but more than he loved himself. He treated me like a precious jewel, his love, his Rose.   He gave to charity off the top of our crop each year, and he let the neighbors come in and pick to their hearts content when we were done with our harvest...well, usually WHILE we were harvesting.  He was annoyingly generous, kind to widows and old people, and cared about what happened to the earth.

Honestly, it would take me too long to list all the ways he fit. In my heart I knew what a blessing it was that I had met a man who instinctively kept Torah and who was totally supportive in my keeping the holy feasts, eating kosher, and honoring my sabbaths.

I knew in my heart that he was going to come to believe. I prayed for it every day.  I tried so hard to show him the fullness of the truth. Eventually, he came to believe. He confessed with his mouth that the Bible was true. He confessed with his mouth that he was meant to be a man of God. He confessed with his mouth that Yeshua lived, died, and was resurrected. He believed.  Yet he rejected.


I've learned a lot about pain these past 14 months. One of the things I've learned about pain is that sometimes you wrestle with it. Or maybe, it's more like the things you wrestle with hurt? Either way, there's wrestling involved, and that's always exhausting.



One of the comforts that believers normally try to give to one another after a loss is to say, "you will see them in heaven someday." I don't have that comfort. Storm didn't want to go to heaven, even if it meant being with me for eternity. If ever I walk into the light and am surrounded by my family and friends, my husband will not be one of them.

That is what I wrestle with. That is one that I tossed and turned over, one that I cried out in my pain. Yeshua said, "whoever believes in me shall not perish." Yet, believing was not enough to set Storm free.

But why?  HOW?  How is it that the Word can be true and that someone who loves the truth can see that it is true, and still not want the promise and the blessing that is offered?   I just can't understand it. I had been so convinced that if he could to see the truth of it, he would accept, and he would be free of his demons and his pain. He would drink the living water, and experience the blessings of the spirit.

I was wrong.

Yahweh may have finally shown me an answer to the why and the how. A very good friend mentioned how people want to be their own God. I have thought about that a lot.  As I have thought about that, I have realized that is the why.  There have been other occasions this week when the concept has come up, without my seeking it out. Why would someone reject God, reject Yahweh the King of the universe, even when they know the truth to be true? Because they want to be their own God.

Often when I finally have a question such as this answered, I'm filled with peace. That's not how I feel about this. More like a big, echoey, "Oh."

Thank you, Yah, for the answer.  May I struggle with it no more.  Shalom.