Why I DON'T wish people would watch what they say.

I hope that I can say this carefully, without causing anyone any unnecessary pain. I'd like to make it understood upfront that I am only discussing my own experience, and in no way intend to pass judgment on the reactions and feelings of others.  I endeavor to avoid doing so below, but if I failed, I'm sorry in advance.

I still suffer from the effects of the trauma associated with my husband's suicide. I have a number of lingering symptoms. One of the most impacting, for me, is a hypersensitivity to violence, death, and specifically suicide. This is common for people who have been close to someone, or participated in, the sudden death of someone they love. I also have a certain sensitivity to conversations about specific topics, such as marriage, and suicide.

I participate in websites and therapy groups committed to folks like me; folks that have lost someone close to them to suicide. Oftentimes these folks are very traumatized by the casual way suicide is discussed socially. Common expressions can often set off a crying jag or trigger painful memories of traumatic events. For example, I often read stories where folks were in social settings and someone made statements like, "if that ever happens, I'll just kill myself." Or, "just shoot me."  I understand their pain.

These sorts of statements are common and even normal in our society. Yet for some people it leaves them in an emotional state of pain. Typically in these stories, the person who suffered the trauma tells how they corrected the parties involved, reminding them how incredibly insensitive their comments are. In discussion groups, they tell how they confronted the offending individual, demanding apologies and that they change the way they speak.

I've been party to such experiences as having thoughtless people who should know better do and say things that they should know better about. Playing songs about suicide, and passing judgment on anyone who would kill themselves, popping off about how weak a person must be to take their own life, and judging the dead when they are not here to defend themselves. My response has been to simply walk away.

It hurts me. Just like it hurts me to be watching my favorite TV show and have a major character commit suicide, and just like it hurts to watch YouTube videos were children and dogs are hurt.  These things hurt me. But in my opinion that's no reason for anything to change.

There are number of reasons that I say that. It's not my job to tell the whole world how to talk. It's not my job to confront strangers and demand that they comply with my emotional state. It's not my job to police anyone's language.

All of those are good reasons, and there are more reasons, but the most important one is this; I'm not the center of the universe, and I don't want to be. I don't want all of my friends and family to walk around on egg shells all the time, terrified to offend me or hurt my fragile feelings, waiting to endure the next lecture. Certainly, I'm appreciative when folks take the time and energy to think about my needs, but my needs do not trump every conversation and every single social event.

I think about my own language, and word choices I make. I think about how I love using colorful speech, and $.85 words. I think about how everybody has problems, every single person that I know, and that I don't want anyone to feel like they cannot talk about the problems or their feelings because my own fragile heart might break under the strain of it, or worse, be subject to a tear-filled lecture for every single verbal gaffe they made.  Besides which, how can I expect everyone around me to somehow anticipate what might offend me?  The scope of that is just ridiculous.

There's one other very important thing. It's not their fault. It's not anyone's fault but mine and Storm' s. We did this to us. He did this to me. I'm not really angry at the insensitive person, I'm angry at Storm. The only reason I'm so super-sensitive to all of these stimuli is because of what Storm did to me. Lecturing some hapless soul in a DJ booth for saying, "if you don't like this one you should just go shoot yourself," is not going to bring Storm back.  Crying at my family members for putting on a movie which they knew ahead portrays a suicide is not going to bring Storm back. 

Certainly, people should not make rude comments about suicide. It's a subject matter that we take much too lightly in this country, and one that is often a socially taboo subject to discuss in a serious way. Let's just face it; it doesn't make good small talk.  But I don't want those people to be super-sensitive, too. I don't want them to be because it means they understand what this feels like, and I never want another human being to understand what this feels like as long as the earth exists. Someone saying something so insensitive means they are innocent and ignorant of how it feels to be left behind because of suicide. I don't want anybody to ever have this feeling again, and so I would rather walk away and let them be ignorant than to force them to confront these horrible feelings; and it still won't bring Storm back. Sure, it might make me feel better for a moment that I have vindicated the pain inside me, but within five minutes I'm going to start remembering the look on their face, and feel like I spread my guilt and pain like a plague on all humanity.

I try to take opportunities to talk about it and share with people whenever it's appropriate and whenever I think it will help. If folks asked me how Storm died, I tell them and answer their questions. I try to be honest, and I don't hide my devastation or my tears.  I don't make it their fault that it hurts me to answer them; in the same spirit I don't make it their fault that they don't know how it feels to be left behind by suicide.

 People's words generally don't offend me. For me, there are much bigger triggers. Regular old music, average pop music that we listen to every day in every store and every elevator and coming from every car; that's like lemon in a wound to me.  Why should I have to listen to that? Don't people understand that I have an association to almost every one of those songs since Storm was a DJ and played music constantly? Every memory I have with him is connected to music.  Certain television shows will make me cry. It's ridiculous to expect stores not to play music or show Mythbusters because it might upset little old me.  Yet, it's the same way I feel about correcting people for using common phrases.

Proverbs 18:7 - A fool's mouth [is] his destruction, and his lips [are] the snare of his soul.

This is the truth, and it always will be.  We can't stop others from being fools, but we can stop ourselves.   So, please, when you talk to me, say what you're going to say, and don't apologize unless you actually owe me an apology.  Don't worry about every word, and don't be upset if I cry.  Let's talk about it openly, if you like, or we can just move on to something else.  I know you didn't mean anything by it.