7 weeks

7 weeks.  Today was the first holiday without him.  Neither of us observed Valentines Day, or really any of the other greeting card holidays.  I make my very humble attempt at the Jewish holy days, and that's what today was.  Passover.

For the past eight years, Storm has participated in Passover.  All in the home were welcome to enjoy. I often say that Storm was not a believer, but that's not exactly true.  He believed in me, and I believed in Yahweh, so he figured it must be true.  At least, if I wanted to do it, he would help me cook, and participate as completely as possible.   

The last few days have been bad ones.  I feel like, in my day, I might be able to get one or two things done, then I run home, feeling the panic close in.  I feel exhausted by the simplest social and business encounters.  Sometimes I go out twice just to get home from the outing I am on. Panic over noise and crowds has become normal.  Sometimes, when I know someone I like is coming over, or I am overwhelmed in a store or restaurant, or the dogs bark too often, I find myself trembling for no reason.  Tonight, before presenting my abbreviated seder, I felt that same strange swimmy trembling.  It's very unnerving, and very unlike me. 

7 weeks is the number of completion in scripture.  It's also the number of Shabbat, or rest.  I hope this week, this week of unleavened bread, is a week of rest.  I would love to feel rested.  Mostly, I just feel awash with emotion.  I would like to not work this year.  I'm not sure how that will happen.  I hope Yahovah sends the blessing in the form of a home to make that possible. 

In fact it's just one more week.  One more week.