It seems I've reached the point where I am now counting weeks instead of days. That fact makes me a little sad.
This past week, I was traveling for almost all of it. My daughter and I and my brother (thank God for him) and the boyfriend, Tom, drove two vehicles from Huntington, West Virginia to Salem, Oregon, our home.
Something about being away helped me immensely. The air travel portion was the worst, getting there by plane, being stuck in a tube, being patted down by strangers, being stuck for hours amongst others. The experience was draining, and I found that several times I needed to block off sensory input. I had to put my face in my hands, close my eyes, plug my ears, and just breathe. Just listen to myself breathe. That seemed to help.
Separating from this house and the overwhelming job of getting moved out of this mess is a big help. I was able to breathe a little different air. I was able to distance myself just a little. Aside from that, I was pissed as soon as I came into the house. I was right back where I was. I can't really begin to heal until I remove myself from this place. Father, please come speedily. Please make this one change happen. If you want me to go to Israel, show me that path. If you want me stay here, give me this house, and help me make it mine. What do you want me to do? Where do you want me to go? Please get me out of here.
I miss Storm every day. Every single day. Sometimes so much that I just sit down and cry. The mornings still suck. Every day, having to wake up and realize yet again that I am alone, and that my husband chose to exit stage left. He left me here on purpose, and that will never change. That will never alter. My heart will never heal from it.
Living in this house makes it real every day. There's no place without memories. The shower. The bedroom. The kitchen. My roses. My garden. I feel emotionally paralyzed because inside every cupboard and behind every door is a memory, waiting to spring itself on me and make me sad all over. Make me remember the pain and sorrow, the suffering, the misery, the anger. Worse...the love, the beauty, the joy, the ecstasy, and the contentment that is all lost. Lost and gone and forever. Once upon a time, I had a lovely life. Now I am just a shattered and broken soul, trying to find a way. I am shards of glass in a jar...pretty, but useless.
Rose, I will try to help. Please don't expect to much ; / I don't remember telling you this. When I lost my Mother, i ask myself? How will I handle this, as anyone would know, I was very sad. I just know the Holy Spirit told me; Be everything Mom every wanted me to be. This means she became alive in me, showing me how to be a better person. When something would come, I would ask, what would Mom do? Say to yourself? Storm. What should I do? Invite Storm back into your life as someone that will help you, show you, lead you, comfort you. God is a Spirit, and we enjoy his nearness. Storm has never left, that's why you always see him, he is saying, I will be with you, love you forever. Not hurt you. Gee I hope this helps. I feel the Holy Spirit has help me with this word..
ReplyDeleteI love that you care so much, Jimmy. :) I just want to be beautiful for my father. All else is useless. I appreciate your thoughts and love so much. Shalom.
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