I saw the counselor for the first time today. It seems to have just opened the scab. On the one hand, it felt good to talk about it with someone who didn't know Storm, and who didn't love him, and who wouldn't be hurt by hearing me express myself. It was also good that I was able to get my short term disability and my LOA paperwork taken care of. On the other hand, it hurt me....it made it so real, and my future still so uncertain. I'm glad to have the time off nearly settled. I need all the help I can get.
I've been crying the whole evening. It started with last night's bath.
Often I wonder if I am going insane. I see the world through my practical eyes and my new crazy lady eyes at the same time. On the one hand, I know I have to take care of myself. I take a bath every night. I soak in it at least half an hour. I spend some time crying and reading my Bible and just thinking. (Hamster wheels squeaking in my mind.) Somewhere, inside the person that I once was, there's someone who knows I still need taking care of, and my husband is not here to do it. So I force myself to get up...to put my hair up...to take the bath...even though all I want to do is go to bed and cry.
Last night I cried in the tub. Not the regular leaking tears that I seem to always find on my face, but real tears. Real pain. Like it just happened. Like that first nightmare day. Like a fog that came over me. I woke up today in that same painful place, still feeling the pain all over again, the emptiness and the deep, lasting loneliness.
This morning I cried getting out of bed...drinking my coffee...driving to the doctor. I just cried. When I got home I felt ok. I got most of the closet clean, my desk cleared, and gave away several unwanted items. Still, late at night, trying to figure out what to eat, I am in tears. My husband took care of food. He figured what was for dinner. He commanded my daughter to cook it. He inquired into whether I enjoyed it, was I fed? He made sure I remembered lunch/breakfast. He took care of food. I never had to think about it. Now, making dinner, is a trial. It's such a trial.
In a way, I'm kinda mad. Before I met him, I was pretty cool with my frozen dinners, and my quicky sandwiches, my Subway and my occasional Burger King. Now, going into the kitchen, it just makes me cry. Every pack of instant mashers makes me cry. Every corn dog, every frozen egg roll, every compromise on good eating makes me cry. Storm taught me to love good food...and then took it away from me. In my shattered life, sometimes I cannot put together even the simplest meal.
That was the straw. After managing the shards of my life (more on that later) and finishing today's hard chores, realizing I still had to figure out food at 11 at night was more than I could take. I started crying, and I haven't stopped since. Why is this so fucking hard? I'm a grown ass woman. I should be able to make a fresh meal out of meat and potatoes and not have a nervous breakdown in the kitchen. I should be able to open the fridge and not cry.
I want to start looking at the good in these. I am very grateful for my family today. Today they kept me distracted, made the corn dog I eventually ate, and made sure they were there to listen. I am also grateful for my pets. As soon as I start crying, there's guaranteed to be a furry critter there to comfort me. Today, as I lay on my bed and cried, I had three dogs and a cat keeping me company.
I hope things start getting better. Today was back to square one. Let's hope that doesn't happen every time I see the doc. I don't want to cry all the time.
Bad things happen to the best. I don't care a damn what they say - your the best. To say that. To encourage you? to make you feel better? no. I said it because it is the truth. You have supported me, stood by me in times of trouble more than anyone in the pass year of friendship. While on this foolish Google+ And you did it with so much wisdom of God to make my enemy's feel like children. I will talk to you as my Daugherty. Honey you need a dream. You have everything you need to for filled it, under your fingers tips. 'Keyboard" This would be a good dream at this time. "I'm going to be the best cook in this town, not only the best cook. I'm going on the net and find the best food for my God giving beautiful body, and i will glorify the Father, and Savior. Take the money you used for the counselor buy some real pretty Pots & Pans if you can afford it remodel your kitchen, are re-paint. if you can't afford to do that, make up some sings saying "I' am the Best" The way this works you can not think of two things at one time. And at the end you will be a new person. The words you have just read has came from the Holy Spirit. For when I started to answer your post. I was going to tell you I do not know how to help you, but will support you. One can see the Holy Spirit took over. You are going to become a new Treasure. Love you Sister in the Savior's name...If this is not a song, let's write one. I will never stop Dreaming. I just saw the word “Widow . Am so sorrow for your lost. God will take care of you. Having trouble how to used this Site. Second post?
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jimmy. :) I am limping through each day. I am driven to move out of this house, and the work to make that happen is keeping me busy.
ReplyDeleteThe Father works best within us when we are broken. 2 Cor 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
I hope he uses me to do a great work. In the meantime, I'm going to curl up in this corner and cry and lick my wounds for a while. Hopefully a neon sign will show up soon showing me what to do next. ;)